My Thoughts

Had a FANTASTIC healing session with God tonight at church!!! Really going into processing tomorrow & I giggle a little cuz can’t NOBODY do it like Jesus!!! It’s funny I’ve had a relationship with God all my life and no matter what has come up & in spite of the fact that I am not worthy of his UNCONDITIONAL love, hIs grace has continued to keep me & I ALWAYS know where to turn when the world turns its back on me! LOL I feel like an old lady cuz I’m doing laundry & humming “What A Friend We Have In Jesus”! Just like Granny! : )

I’m getting ready to watch one of my all time favorite movies & I haven’t seen it since I saw it the 1st time in the theater but “Going The Distance” is about to take me to sleep!

I never want to miss someone this bad again!!! Like EVER!!! :/

I also am grateful I was able to share with a good friend some feelings I had & she received them and we loved each other enough to talk it out & move past the bump in the road. It has always been a practice of mine to just cutoff relationships that hurt me but thank God for the discernment & peace to address the one’s that matter. Good friends are hard to come by. I’m grateful for mine & happy I am still able to grow & learn healthier ways to deal with people!

It’s been a long day & so I’ll say goodnight for now!

May your day be filled with joy & so many smiles & laughter your cheeks get sore! ; ) #InAGoodWay

This morning I woke up with a little sadness in my heart. I don’t know why this sort of thing happens its just not explainable sometimes. I went to bed with joy and sweet thoughts I possibilities. Then I wake only to realize how hard I have been working to plan a trip to visit friends that I would love to see & spend time with but I have no idea where we stand and I know I’m worth the dialogue it takes to orchestrate such a trip especially during this holiday season. I struggle with this part so often because when it comes to give and take I have a history of feeling like I have given far more. I think I’ve written before about how hard last holiday season was for me to get through and just when I thought this year could be better I realized, I’m just starting over. I honestly have no idea what to do and have no one to talk to about all of this so as I was taught a long time ago in times like these I just pray & wait to hear from the Lord.

2011 was about healing and revelation for me. I think heading into 2012 I need to get serious about what I’m going to do to sustain my happiness & I honestly have no idea what that will mean. Location change, career change, I just don’t know anymore. To be quite honest I have been blessed to do what I love for a living but as I am a year older I acknowledge the more to life there is than letting your dreams lead you. I fell in love with my vision & although I know it’s not my time God is working in but his own & I would not even be able to comprehend his perfect plan. That said, I also know he wouldn’t want me to suffer or hold pain. Perhaps this is that turning point in my life where I just have to draw my own lines in the sand & make solid choices about what I will and won’t except. I’ve always sorta felt this strong obligation to please others and make sure people are comfortable but if we are all grown shouldn’t we be able to speak up and ask for what we want without adding emotion to it? I don’t me we should be rowdy or disrespectful in any way but politely asking for what one needs & being open to a decline without hurt feelings is normal and healthy.

I commit to working on making that my priority & no longer will I hold off and wait for my expectations of other’s to do what I want to do or go where I want to go. This year was indeed a year of healing and as long as I allow others to either knowingly or unknowingly hurt me I keep myself in the cypher of victim & that I KNOW for sure I’m NOT!

I think part of my issue is; I think and dream in movie scenes. I don’t call this a problem because just as I think and desire is what I’m willing to give, be, & do. I think that is why my sensitivity level is always so high! If you asked me 2 days before to come visit you or see you performing at Radio City and we hadn’t spoken in years but we both knew we loved each other but were too…. I don’t know what the word would be prideful, scared, unsure etc. I am the type of romantic that I would show up. The issue would come if I sacrificed all I could to get there in 2 days all for the purpose of seeing you only to realize I came all this way and you didn’t even know I was there or we didn’t have a chance to reconnect or your intentions for inviting me were not out of long lost love rekindling but just to simply be nice & the knowing that I’m that kind of friend. I guess this is where I should step out of comfort and share these thoughts with you directly before any plans have been made. Smh I honestly just don’t know how to handle these various situations and the big part of my heart and mind that are still VERY traditional feel like it is a man’s job to find a virtuous woman not the other way around! A woman deserves to be courted and made to feel special by a gentleman who respects and values her worth! She should be an asset not a liability to him & vice versa! Perfect I am not & mistakes I have made but my truth has pretty much always stayed the same I love the Lord with ALL my heart and I trust him for discernment on all of my relationships from business to love and friendship so I will surrender all the thoughts racing through my head to him & he will surely lead me to where he wants me!

WOW! I don’t know if my sharing is too much or if it’s something I should be sharing with the world but I believe strongly that other’s could be dealing with the same issues and just feeling alone in it and perhaps there is peace in knowing you are not alone. For me it is therapeutic to release some of the random thoughts that occupy more space than I would like in my mind! I have no idea who will read these words IF anyone but I honestly feel better knowing I was honest (as scattered as it may be) and open to sharing my feelings even though I don’t add names or details there is healing in my words.

Love is meant to be shared, it serves no purpose when kept to yourself! We ALL need it and desire it so my prayer is that all who read any of my words take away this one thought. #GiveShareSpreadLoveDaily

That’s all for now peace & love 💜

I learned a lot today! I am consistently surprised by how much information my brain can hold even though even in the moment to moment teachings I am paying attention to all the things going on around me. If this is what ADD or ADHD feels like the ONLY time I want to be numb from all these elements of environment & life is when it’s time to close my eyes & go to sleep! : )

Today my Granny told me in her typical “rip the bandaid off quick” way that her oldest and last friend died today. She was obviously sad but it warned my heart to finally hear her admit age was sad about something. The women in my family have all typically been very strong and not willing to openly share their feelings. It was clear to me at a young age & urgent when I became a woman to have someone I could let my guard down with and admit hurts, sadness, or even things I was embarrassed about and although I believe our family knew it was important it has always been a very taboo thing to do. I believe there is healing and sharing and communication has always been a fundamental part of how I try to maintain any worthwhile relationship nowadays. In fact today after hearing an amazing word on forgiveness at church yesterday and then a good convo on how to deal with certain situations with a good friend it dawned on me I needed to forgive some folks too. If you would have asked me yesterday if I had anyone to forgive I would have said nope. I let go of anybody I needed to forgive & now I’m good. Well guess what…..I was wrong. I think one main reason I hadn’t really forgiven was because I thought that would mean I would still be leaving myself open to the rejection and sting of the person saying how dumb or silly my feelings were to get hurt over this little thing. I remembered though reading somewhere “Holding a grudge is like drinking poison & waiting for the other person to die.” I didn’t deserve to hold all that in and it wasn’t fair to cut these folks off without any explanation. So, with the exception of 2 or 3 I have set a path to forgiving and healing completely!!!

Side thought: Before the end of this year, I WILL finish this song I started and it will be AMAZING!!! I long to share my truths and whether it be through song, story, or book collection I will. I firmly believe that somebody somewhere needs to know they are not alone and to not give up and if my words are the one’s that lead them to their own reality check than God Bless & LEGGO!!! ; )

I am sure as the rain in Seattle about my love too! I have been trying my best to add, subtract, multiply, & divide this equation and if you KNOW me you know I HATE math and am truthfully not very good at it, no doubt because of my distaine (sp?) for the subject. However, love like real LOVE for someone you don’t have to love cuz they are family or friends or y’all have history is a REAL thing & it is truly the sweetest, most beautiful, painfilled, confusing emotions I have EVER felt and it seems to only work when both parties are on 1 accord and equally yoked (which is MORE than just religion). I believe complex rhythms and spontaneous chords and changes are the music of my heart. The more unpredictable the more accurate it is to the song in my heart. It is also a ballad because I believe you should be able to take your time and discover the melody clearly before you can be fully ready for the groove of my song to resonate in your soul AND you have to be ready to hear it! ; ) LOL see this is why it takes me so long to write a song…..because I literally talk and think with this many words and could probably say the same thing with less. ; )

I am a sensitive person & tend to do my fair share of over analyzing from time to time but I try to remain available to my friends at all times because that to me is what friends do. REAL one’s anyway. So, I expect the same sort of support I show you when it’s to
E to support me! If that is wrong and anyone out there in cyber world is reading this….Well these are just MY free association random thoughts so it is what it is!

I am excited about closing this year out with abundant success and happiness & with a genuine heart of forgiveness and love! I have been blessed far more than I was worthy & I can and will only thank God for that truth! My next year is looking even brighter with a renewed sense of self & more intimate relationship with God & the desire to keep getting better at everything I set out to do! I will push harder, study longer and not get weary because I know what I want and have the best inheritance plan ever offered! : )

I will feel good knowing I did all I could rather than throwing in the towel and asking “what if” for the rest of my life. I will be honest and direct with people & will articulate my feelings rather than holding them all in and being passive aggressive with my emotions.

I am happy to have this outlet & pray that it helps or inspires whoever may read these words to share YOUR truth without censoring because you never know who needs to hear your story.

God Bless! : )

WOW!!! I am literally standing in the place in my life where I can see my life being a continuous circle of love & happiness! Because I am a very emotional & analytical person I can find joy or the smile in the simplest things but it is awe inspiring to me when another human can bring that kind of light and energy to me & it’s a bit addicting because I spend most moments when not with that person smiling because I’m reminiscing on the good times we shared when we were. :)

Trusting & depending on God for direction and peace in my heart to help me when I had no control over the situation in front of me. I thank you Lord for healing my broken heart & for whispering to me in the quiet dark nights when all I could do is cry “it’s going to work out for your good”.

Over the past year I have evaluated myself in detail & while I have grown in various ways I have also learned a lot about how I love. I am a nurturer and I like taking care of my loved one’s. I have only been in love once in my adult life. I have also learned what I want and am very specific about it. ❤

I’m EXCITED about what’s to come!!!

I feel travel in my near future & 2012 and for years to come I will have continuous showers of UNSPEAKABLE JOY!!! 😊

In other news, I’m sick & tired of eating leftovers now! LOL I made it to Sat but tonight I’m throwing the rest in the garbage.

I guess that’s all for now. I’m going to watch a movie & chill for a while.

Peace & Love,
Me : )

I can’t explain the amount of sadness, disappointment, anger, & some slight rage I’m feeling right now. It makes me angry I think because once again I find myself dealing with something on my own. Why is it that everyone I have a relationship of any significance feels so free to pour out their souls to me when they need to vent or advice & yet I have not 1 ear to speak to or shoulder to cry on whenever and one that won’t make it about them??? I have to take responsibility in this poor casting of “friends”. My very best friend has been in the hospital for the past few days and although he is feeling better it pisses me off that his doctors’ were SO careless & nonchalant. Since when did nurses start not having “bedside manner”? I just can’t even start with these people. It makes me sad to consider if I had to be in another state while someone I loved was staying in a hospital. The level of care is NOT what it use to be when my Mom & Granny were coming up or hell even me for that matter!

Real Talk…if we are living in the “last days” All I can pray for is peace & God’s unlimited mercy on us all. Especially those who continuously withdraw but make NO deposits into the bank of positivity, compassion, & basic human decency.

I’m grateful for the calmness & steadiness of hand to type these thoughts and hopefully I can leave them here to rest so that my mind will not continue to spiral & of course I have NO desire to give this negativity any more attention than I already have.

I am grateful for the AMAZING night of sleep I’m about to receive!

That’s all for now.